How to be a Reality Show Contestant

There are reality shows, and there are ‘oh really?’ shows. Whether it is IPL, India TV or Big Boss, the TRP meters of channels go on mass orgies while we all relish it on our Tata Sky HDs and Samsung LEDs. Also, the participants of the ‘oh really?’ shows rake in the moolah as well as the er, muaah. Ever wondered what are the qualities that really set these people apart from us mere mortals? Well, here are some parameters that may act critical in putting that reality show contestant tag on someone.

1. Make promises to go nude in public, and make sure it’s during a sporting event, preferably the World Cup.  That way, you can also be more talked about in social media rather than tentacled creatures, and also have no slip between the cup (the non-crockery variety) and the lip.

2. Have a mouth that is fouler than thou, and make sure you have the right body dimensions like a certain Ms Bindra to ensure you make the right kind of noises, literally.

3. Have a glowing criminal record, you could be a two-penny thief or a multi-crore scamster, but you should have the ability to go on a hunger strike against honesty, if required.

4. Be a gangster’s or a foreign cricketer’s girlfriend, and if you are a foreign national yourself, you are assured of a promising career in Bollywood as well.

5. Be a wife beater, and have the ability to act like a perpetual fit for rehab candidate when the camera focuses on you.

6. Be from North India, preferably from Punjab, or more preferably from Chandigarh. Thus, the butter chicken and Scotch whisky in your veins can withstand fire-breathing bald judges.

7. Be an aspiring model (mostly applies for the fairer sex), and have the ability to slap your fellow contestants at will, and have extended cat-fights, if necessary.

8. Be the winner/runners-up of another reality show – guarantees you double fame, doesn’t it?

9. Be the relative of a filmstar, and make sure the actor who you are a relative of is now unknown himself/herself as well.

10. Be a lover who’s been cheated upon and is ready to take the pants off the ex in public view (if not any of the above, this will definitely grab you some eyeballs).

As new seasons of more reality shows and cricket matches with pom-pom girls, there may be many more additions to the list.

Indian Procrastinators’ League

The IPL is back, and so is the enthusiasm, the euphoria, the hysteria…and possibly many other adjectives that I was trying to look up in the dictionary while writing this post. But then, I’m sure coming up with heavy words is just another diversionary tactic that we, er, proud Indians are so good at. In slightly more than 24 hours from now, a ‘cricket extravaganza’ will kick off with Punjabi mundas cheering for teams originating from land of Marxist machhlis, and so on. In the midst of this, you, me and a lot of others have raised a concern (and quite rightly at that) that Anna Hazare’s fast will be headbutted out of the media headlines. Or, if you and me want it to be that way.

Corruption is a byword – a byword for larger things that have encompass our daily lives – that being ‘right’ is the new ‘wrong’. ‘It’s not right to do things the right way,’, ‘It doesn’t matter what they think’. What is the right and what is wrong? Who are they? These are questions that may be beyond the scope of any blog, book, discussion paper or seminar. The IPL, like the CWG and 2G grafts, was another symbol of ‘Shining India’ (sic). Players being auctioned off to the highest bidders, as if they are coal mines or storage infrastructure for a telecom service provider. We have scorned at it, we have made fun of it. Yet, we may or may not have noticed a strange irony that lies in this particular phenomenon. The auction – it’s not just the players out there, it’s happened to each one of us, day by day, week by week, month by month. We have auctioned off our souls – to the traffic sergeant for making the signal-jump look like a clean act, to the municipal inspector for making the ‘jugaad’ of owning two houses and paying taxes for one a perfect example of our ‘smartness’.

Yes, corruption in the country may be like the proverbial chicken and egg – does it thrive because we let it or are we too helpless to do anything about it? But, from a cynic’s point of view (which this blog writer may be accused of) – the bias may be towards the former. Isn’t there a saying that corruption is like cancer? And cancer survivors know only too well the benefits of early detection and cure.

Many a times, it’s been said that ‘giving up food is the coolest way to get work done.’ Putting the overt sarcasm in this statement aside, if that had been the case, how would the McDonald’s and Domino’s of the world do business in India? Any and every MNC who sets foot on our soil is baffled, and also happy, at the sheer volume of business that this land offers. And, this is also the land where ‘it’s difficult to get any work done.’

Anna Hazare’s move may or may not be symbolic. But, it’s clearly about taking a stand. It’s about doing the bizarre to treat the weird. Be it sleazy politicians or cricket administrators, remember – they are a construct of the same ‘society’ you and me inhabit. Yes, today they may be occupying pedestals so high that we find it difficult to reach out to them. Again, like ‘we don’t vote’, so we don’t want to reach out. Like a legend called Michael Jackson once sang: “Some things in life we just don’t want to see…..all I want to say is that they don’t really care about us.” For us, the situation is: “We don’t care about us.” We are the Indian Procrastinators’ League, which even I’m a part of (otherwise this blogpost would not have existed!). Yes, I’m ranting and showing off my angst in so many words. But, in the process of reading this, I’m sure you are being the change you want to see. Yes, I believe that all of us will go beyond words to wipe out the tolerance for evil. Yes, hope is the sturdiest of ropes

What’s Not In A Name?

What’s in a name? Thus spake the Shakesperean heroine Juliet. Well, if you ask me, what’s not in a name? If you simply take a look at the user names of the millions of Twitter users, a plethora of creativity rests right there. Hence, I decided to explore the world of wordplay through mashups of the handles of a few Twitter users who I interact with regularly or irregularly?

1. This Entity was Unnamed so he went to a Field where he did not find any

Name again. So he said:’Lovely! Its Unfair!’ (@UnnamedEntity, @NameFieldEmpty & @unfairandlovely)

2. The Rag had no Tag, so she followed the Trail of Saffron, until it turned Scarlet & Hara Bhara (@raggedtag, @saffrontrail & @ScarletOhHara)

3. Until Desdemona found her Othello, she thought of going on a trip. So she called out to her friend: ‘Oye Maria! Want to come along? (@Desdemona14 & @OyeMaria)

4. The Khargosh was Gora, until he met the Sherni (@gora_khargosh & @Sherni)

5. What Confuseus Say is profound, K Rahul? (@ConfuseusSay & @RahulK18)

6. She was Wandering like a Nomad on the Hiway (@NomadWanderer & @hiway)

7. She wanted to act like a Dedh Shaani, so she collaborated with Dram-e-Baaz (@DedhShaani & @dram_e_baaz)

8. You Doofus! Don’t do Nautanki. The Big Dowg is watching you (@doofus_, @nautanki & @TheBigDowg, though the first person has deactivated his Twitter account)

9. The Kid wanted a Softy. Hence he went Singing to Kyra for a treat (@softykid & @kyrasinging2)

10. The Nazi wanted his Coffee. And he also had a Dua for Jaspreet (@thecoffeenazi & @JaspreetDua)

11. The Witch of Words was looking for an Esc(ape) out of the 12-hour drudgery (@Word_Witch & @EscF12)

12. Neha! Dive Kar!, said the Maniac with the Mitter (@NehaDivekar & @Mittermaniac)

13. Anee! I want another Item on my menu, the one with the Bunee, yes (@Item_  & @AneeBunee)

14. There can’t be any Lapses that are Literary. Plus, it’s only a Merc we are talking about (@LiteraryLapses & @mercplus)

15. The Nayak is Girinining. And even Gopal can’t ask him to Chuck it (@nayakgirin & @chuck_gopal)

16. The Polka Dots have the Punk, with the Phulka (@punkpolkadots & @phulkadots)

17. Dharmesh Jee (G), B good to Shaheen (@dharmeshg & @Shaheenb)

18. Aye Kaveri! Get me some Lime with Ice (@ikaveri & @LimeIce)

19. Fu! Let’s go to the Bar and order a Vat 69, said Punkster for the 101th time (69fubar & @punkster101)

20. Probably he’s Trippy, but Panic ko usne kab ka Tyag diya (@probablytrippy & @panictyagi – a very sweet couple, ok I added this to clarify that this mashup is just in good humour!)

21. Maan, are you Psycho? No? Then go Nab the Eel with the N (@PsychoMaan & @NabeelN)

22. Ash is Winning, K Gopal? But Saiff is Haute (@ashwinkgopal & @hautesaiff)

23. She’s the MD of our company. And her car number plate has 610. But Bee I Noo Y? (@md610 & @beeyaoonoohwhy)

24. Neo! Have you seen Aaragorn? No sir, I only saw this Supra-fast Mario (@NeoAaragorn & @SupraMario)

25. Mujhe Venkat ko dekh kar Ananth ki yaad gayi, said Ramesh to Srivats (@venkatananth & @rameshsrivats)

26. Arrey Takloo! Man I Want a Bitch (@taklooman & @bitchwanti)

27. Tu toh Baavri hogi, but Eshaan Rocks (@baavri & @eshaanrocks)

28. The Princess is Defiant. But the Insomniac is Mad (@defiantprincess & @madinsomniac)

29. The Maniac aint Hollow, said Dhruv to Ster up things (@Hollowmaniac & @dhruvster)

30. The Indian is Rofling so much that after acidity O! he wants some Diogene now! (@Roflindian & @diogeneb)

31. Ashok, Krish is Squaring it up with R already, I know (@krishashok & @i_r_squared)

32. Adda ho toh Aantel Nair jaisa, said PB (@aanteladda & @PBNair)

33. I’m Sabbah. So what? I’m Kapur, said Shweta (@imsabbah & @ShwetaKapur)

34. She Suddenly saw Twilight, with the Fairy dancing away (@suddentwilight & @twilightfairy)

35. Oh G, I am the Rojo with the Mojo. So don’t call me a Khamba (@gkhamba & @mojorojo)

36. I don’t have Efin Time to Live, and that aint a Pun, Vati (@livetimefe & @punvati)

37. To B or not to B, 50 times? (@b50)

38. Mere Karan aur Arora aayenge, inspite of the autocratic Regime of the Kapo (@KaranArora & @Kapo_Regime)

39. She’s Crazy about the Shutter, said Nik with the Ster-eo (@ShutterCrazy & @nikster)

40. Kuch Bhi Candi? Nam badalti rehti hai (@Kuch_Bhi and her earlier handle @candinam)

41. San-s Daddy, there can’t be a sun Tan-tan on the beach, Noo? (@daddy_san & @tantanoo)

42. So Nel, no Nniums for you? (@nelsonnium)

43. She’s the Chick who knows Raap music, said Tany as she told he Tales (@RaapChick & @tanytales)

44. Thea! Long live the Ale! Don’t forget to Splurge on the Star though, she said for the 7th time (@Aletheaf & @splurgestar7)

45. Aa! I saw a Kanga-Roo four times! (@aaroo4)

46. This is a Mad uni-Versity! No Gabbar, this is Singh-sesational (@madversity & @GabbbarSingh)

47. Mom! See what an Imp she is! And so are you, Nimue (@ImpsMom & @nimue_)

48. Rafael Nad-al went Mad (@mad_nad)

49. C Priyanka, you have seen the iPhone 19 times. But its still Fresh (@priyankac19 & @iphonefresh)

50. Tharo naam Sunaina hai K? Haan ji, I can take Kriti-cis-M (@sunainak & @Kritism)

51. Roy, you have committed no Cin, said the L-shaped Priya (@RoycinD & @priyal)

52. Arrey Mihir, please play the Bijuriya song, Sulbha told him (@MihirBijur & @SulbhaArora – a couple who met on Twitter and are set to tie the knot soon)

53. Satan! Have you seen Bhagat? No saar, he’s giving some Illegal Briefs (@SatanBhagat & @IllegalBriefs - what he was known as a for a while)

54. So it’s a Comic Project, but for that you have to Fly! You Fools! (@thecomicproject & @Flyyoufools)

55. What’s for Sup-per, MM? (@SupMM)

56. A Traveller was looking for a map, so she went to the Kartographer (@a_traveller & @krtgrphr)

All this was done in good humour only and not to make fun of people in a sarcastic fashion. Also, I may not be following a couple of the users mentioned but their mentions have appeared a lot on my timeline, hence the liberty

I met you only once, but it seemed I knew you since ages…

As I sit and write this, strains of the popular song ‘Roop Tera Mastana’ from the 1960s movie ‘Aradhana’ waft from the neighbouring computer. I remember you. The man who composed the music for this song – Sachin Dev Burman - may not be so relevant in this context, but it is the man who assisted Sachin ‘karta’ – his son Rahul aka Pancham – whose name springs to my mind. You were a diehard fan of Pancham. You had the careerspan of Pancham on your fingertips. You simple swore by his music. There was never a dull moment for you when his compositions used to play, or so you told us.

I met you in person only once – part of a huge crowd which had gathered to seek your ‘darshan’ at the popular Park Street cafe Flurys. It was crowded as usual for a weekend, but you had asked me to arrange for a table. But the moment I mentioned your name to the staff there, they got about arranging for a table. As you came and asked me: ‘kemon achish?’, it seemed I was talking to the doting uncle who was asking for his nephew. That was the first and last time I met you. And that was more than another evening for me, as I recall it now.

I have been a moody and disobedient child. I find it difficult to take orders. Which is what got me into an argument someone much older than me on Twitter (which is where I ‘met’ you for the first time). The person told me not to say things online which did not suit her sensibilities. I retorted that no one owns the online forum. Which is where, you stepped in and told me: ‘If I told you to stop, would you disobey me?’ I don’t know how, but I instantly stopped. And the day next, I apologised to the person, which is when you patted my back by saying: ‘Yes son, you have grown up’. And that’s how, you became a father-figure for me, like so many of my friends on Twitter.

As I sit and write this, fighting back my tears, coming to terms with the fact that I will never be able to hear those words of encouragment from you, I know that you will rebuke me if I break down. Korbo, lorbo, jeetbo – those three words are ringing in my ears. There were these moments as well, when I let my angst out on Twitter and told you how I’m unable to cope with my working hours, and how you told me: ‘When my back is against the wall, I demolish it….and don’t give up so soon.’ Yes, I will follow those words to the core.

You were a Ladies’ Man on Twitter. But there was never a moment when one could pointer a finger at you and say you were being cheap. You had that innate ability, that flair to turn the smallest of conversations online into a colourful discussion, without making it an argument that would end up spewing hatred all around.

There are people I know, online and offline, who have known and interacted with you much more than I have. Maybe I don’t deserve to write this post at all, because I started following you on Twitter much later than our common friends there. But then, I could not stop myself, as I remember your last words to me just a couple of days before: ‘Now you know what Calcutta means to me?’

Yes, now I know what the world and the people around you meant to you. You were, are and will remain the Emperor of our hearts Abhijit Da.

Walking Down The Aisle, Literally

Workplace romance may not be a very new concept exactly. But, there are times when the couples concerned start taking it too literally. In such cases, the events that follow give you some much needed break from the heartburn that you nurse after blowing up that humongous amount of money on flop movie in the nearest multiplex. Consider the example of an airhostess getting married to a pilot as an example. How would the chants of the officiating priest sound? Maybe something like this:

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome aboard Knotical Mile Airways, Flight 42+69. Today we are here to celebrate the happy union of Long Legs with Ray-Ban Eyes. Please follow the instructions carefully as I, Jet Lageshwar, lead you through this happy occasion. We will be covering the distance in approximately ten days, 62 hours. There are NO exits in the aircraft if we encounter turbulence. For the bride, there are special masks called Retail Therapy fitted above the seats, which drop down if the groom starts eyeing the other airhostesses with more precision. The groom would be requested to help the bride wear her mask instead of him giving it futile, mid-air trials. At the back of every seat, there is a booklet on surviving disasters like 125 decibel shouts at 5am – I request the groom to go through it carefully.

We will be providing you with refreshments on board free of cost, but we will expect you to return the favour with at least a kilo of onions and fake gold jewellery. Please feel free to use your mobile phones even when the aircraft is taking off or landing, but make sure your conversation is about the latest car or at least the Scotch whiskey bottle that you gave for dowry at the wedding of your child. Or, if your boy or girl has reached marriageable age but is yet to find a suitable match, feel free to send me the profile at jet.lageshwar@tharkimatrimony.com. I will be happy to help at the best rates on offer in the market.

Here’s Jet Lageshwar wishing the couple and everyone else on board a very happy journey.

Not A Mirage

H did not have a clue when the call or chat conversation had ended (like most other things in his life). But he realised well in time that he had overslept and missed breakfast. Since his work hours were not the usual 9-5 routine, his parents normally left for their daily grind by the time he got up. But, today was an exception. On emerging from his room around 12, he noticed a sticky note at the dining table from his mother: ‘Don’t forget to have your lunch, and heat it before you eat.’ Like most mere mortals of his ilk, H did suffer from forgetfulness. But till now, it had been merely occasional and limited to a few bouts here and there. In the last few days and months, the frequency had been going up. And everyone but him had started taking note of it. H had started becoming listless, impatient and losing track of conversations too often. Not that he was particularly known as a great jabberwocky, but his increasingly monosyllabic stance to things in general had taken his parents, if not anyone else, by some alarm (they still did not want to ring it).

But in his subconscious strata of the brain, H knew the real story. All his mental faculties were no focused on the virtual, rather than the real. He had created his own Second Life, and was freely dabbling in it, maybe for the sake of an experiment which had started to overstep its boundaries. His world of social networking was the arena where he felt more confident to interact, and more gullible at the same time, because of the invisible garb of innocence he always wore. And the frequent pangs of happy times spent with his ex-girlfriend were contributing to it in a great amount. Though H had crossed the age of teen angst, the hormones still used to act up once in a while.

As he was figuring his next move, he was looking at the pile of uneaten fruits on the table – his breakfast that could not be. He was thinking of a suitable explanation to give to Mom, who would surely call him to ask about this when he was at work. This did annoy him mildly, but he had learnt to ignore it, ever since she had been promoted as the vice-principal of the school she had been teaching in for the last 15 years.  Her work hours had now become longer than his own, and she was not at an age when the load could be integrated into her system effortlessly. H’s maternal grandmother’s death a few months back was not helping things either. Didun  (as H called his grandma)  was a sort of mental sink for H and his mother. And she seemed to have a solution for everything. For someone who did not have a sneeze throughout her life, the sudden arrival of leukaemia to take her away was more than a rude shock for H and his family. Hence, H now knew that he, more than anyone else, would have to be steady for his mom’s sake.

He decided to nibble on the banana, while he switched on some peppy music on his computer. After all, his daily dose of heady music (apart from his back exercises) could not be missed. Half an hour after he barely managed to finish the banana and was done with his exercises, he stole a glance at the newspaper. “Right, the headlines are in place,” he said to himself. Working on the newsdesk of a paper with no off on weekends was not the kind of things people his age exactly looked forward to it. But it gave him yet another sort of satisfaction which he only he could fathom (excluding the gushing from relatives when they heard the name of the organisation he was working in).

H was wondering whether to call back his so-called love interest or not. But she would already be at work, even though she always made time to talk to him. Even then, he wanted to let things be for a few more hours at least, so the cesspool of thoughts in his as well as her head could clear up a bit.  So, after his bath, he decided to watch a serious-plot Hollywood movie instead. After all, the broadband internet connection and newly-acquired external hard drive had to be put to good use. This may not seem a normal transition for someone who starts the day with peppy music. But so were H and his mood swings. As the movie was starting, H stole a few seconds to check his Twitter timeline. Mihir and Sulbha had posted a picture of themselves from a party last night. The happiness awas oozing on the couple’s faces, which everyone had taken note and was complimenting them on it. He decided to contribute his two pennies too, in spite of the mild jealousy that recently-broken up individuals feel by looking at happy couples at times. He also noticed a sudden increase in his follower count. Had he accidentally spoken about his feelings for his Twitter friend publicly? Or was he just hallucinating? But then, he looked again at the follower count. And surely, this was not a mirage.

After All, They Are Here

3.16 am. H looked at the clock on his mobile phone. He was having a concersation with another one of his close friends (who only had a virtual presence in his life) on GTalk. He was not writing anything himself though, just looking at the stream of words flowing in. It was unusually cold for the part of the world he was in, even though it was early January. There were at least 16 browser tabs open on his laptop, this chat window being one of them. Not that he was paying attention to this chat because the movie and song downloads had slowed, but his interest in the conversation was waning anyway. Again, it would not be fair on his part to his friend, who was going through a rough patch. In other words, there had to be a way out. There had to be coffee. So, with some effort he dragged himself to the kitchen and switched on the coffee maker. As the water started simmering, he went back to check if his friend had left or not. And on the screen were these words:

 

 

 

 

I’m developing weird feelings for you

I’m not sure what this means

You are free to not reply if you don’t want to

For someone who was just out of a break-up of a seven-year relationship, these three sentences bore a world of possibilities in them for H. Which also meant that a multitude of emotions – of various shapes and sizes, was waiting to break free from his mind. But one thing was certain – he would surely be lying to himself if he were to tell her that he had no such ‘weird’ feelings for her as well. They had been talking to each other for quite some time, had also exchanged phone numbers. And this was besides the fact that even she had gone through a heartbreak. But, would it be fair to tell her at this juncture, he wondered? Groping for answers at an unearthly hour, he decided to go back to his web of social networking contacts for help. He posted a direct message on Twitter to a lady who was known for her large-heartedness and ability to spread cheer. And then he went back to the chat window. She was still online. And was now asking him this question:

Do you like any of the girls you have met here?

‘Here’ meant the online meeting ground – an amalgam of Twitter and Facebook. And yes, he had met quite a few members of the opposite sex online – and of a wide age range. And some of them had been telling him about some secrets in their lives which even their near ones were not aware of. He had no clue why they were telling him these things. But it was certain that they were trying to tell him something. Maybe it was: ‘you are a patient listener, hence we can confide in you’. Or it could be just that he was ‘yet another listener’ for them. But then, it was real. And this was an entirely new dimension he had to deal with it, as after all, they are here.

So he continued listening and letting his friend vent her heart out, until he looked at the clock again: 6.13 am

A Smaller World

It was light at the end of the tunnel, literally. After looking for a lost (or as he had thought for long) notebook, he finally found it at desolate corner of his room. Well, this is usually what happens when you don’t clean your room for aerons (or ages?). So, it’s not that romantic, is it? More so, he was starting to recover from a injuries sustained during an accident he had a month earlier. Hence, he was beginning to feel restless. He was done with his share of movie downloads via torrents and staring at countless blog posts. And now, he was creating a parallel world, or was entering a parallel universe rather. His newly-acquired prosperity had enabled him to acquire a BlackBerry, and he had started using that to meet new people from places where he still wishes to travel.

But why was he looking for a notebook then? His new world, known more popularly as Twitter, had held him in thrall for several weeks. He used to jot down important events in his life in his notebook, a habit he had given up after he started dating his college classmate – seven years to be precise. But, he suddenly felt the urge to revive the habit again. He had joined Twitter just as he had joined Facebook – as a fad that had caught on. But now, his world had increasingly begun to revolve around those 140 characters that were his window to talk to his friend from Paris to Patna. Each and every punctuation mark or emoticon had started to from images in his brain. Though he knew in part that he had taken refuge in the virtual world to shield himself from the recoil generated by his turbulent relationship which had just ended, he was now entering the second phase. The period of recovery had been another factor that had confined him to his room and his timeline (the Twitter equivalent of the Facebook homepage).

When he finally found the notebook, his adventures with pen and paper could not be revived immediately as the LED was flashing on his phone. And the person on the other end was one of his Twitter friends. She had just come back from a work trip to Bangalore and wanted to talk to him about her new love interest. She was one of the few who knew his real name, since he had chosen not to dislose it on his Twitter profile. He could imagine her blushing on the other end of the line, and this was precisely when he saw a barrage of tweets congratulating Mihir and Sulbha - a couple who had met on Twitter and had decided to get engaged the following month. At the same time, a couple of message arrived from his online friends in the US and France, asking about his health. As he was beginnning to soak in what was popping up on the computer screen, Humour (as he was known to his Twitter friends) started talking to DK: ‘Hey, humans tweet like birds these days. Won’t they fly on their own pretty soon? ’

Untitled

We tweet, They tweet

The night before last, I randomly started a hashtag from my Twitter handle: #tweetslike. At the end of the hashtag I inserted a handle of the people on Twitter I interact with. It was originally meant to poke light fun at the tweeting styles of certain people on the popular social networking but ended up with me getting quite a lot of requests from my Twitter friends asking me to mimic them! So, I felt like someone doing a live-standup on Twitter by using my limted powers of observation to imitate Twitter users. In short, it was Twitter’s equivalent of a mimicry artist doing his take on celebrities (ok, pun intended) and looking at Twitterwood through his eyes. It was one of those rare moments (aka gloat moment for me) when people loved to laugh at themselves. Ok enough introduction. Here goes the content of the timeline, with some additions and my own Twitter bios of the people I mimicked.

1. @venkatananth: The man who combines the abilities of Sachin Ramesh Tendulkar and P Chidambaram. Well, seriously I’m yet to come across a more well-read person at his age. A tweet from him would typically read as: ‘Mate <insert fact which was unknown for 200 years>’.

2. @gkhamba: The tall Sardar from the Capital city whose tongue is firmly in his invisible turban and who, I’m sure, is secretly advising Manmohan Singh to win one at least one Lok Sabha before he takes the ticket to heaven. Be sure its his tweet when it reads like: ‘Arindam Chowdhury/Chetan Bhagat/Uday Chopraa/Arnab Goswami visited my blog. <insert Delhi/Punjab joke>

3. @daddysan: The man from across the Vindhyas who is on a secret mission in the US of A to convince Obama to have a Maratha Manoos special operations cell in the US Army. His tweet would typically be: ‘<insert US state name> is a LOL factor. Oh well.’

4. @OldMonkMGM: The man will make sure Bengalis colonise the Moon, or Neptune for that matter, someday. Also, he can single-handedly take on Rajnikanth and Chuck Norris with his meme generating machines and YouTube music links. A sample tweet from him: Gahahahah. Epic! <insert CSI meme/YouTube link> and an optional Bengali word.’

5. @GabbbarSingh: Apart from reinventing Ramgarh on the interwebs, this man redefines humour like anything with his straight-face jokes and wordplay. A tweet from him would read like: You are what you are <insert stupendous wordplay>

6. @rameshsrivats: Another wordmeister who has an arsenal (Gunners take note) of reverse-scrabbled words with him. His sample tweet: ‘I say we have a <insert wordplay>, no?’

7. @diogeneb: Anagram Anna is what I call him. When the Oxford dictionary disposes, he proposes with his splendid anagrams, with a tweet like: ‘Sir,<insert anagram> <insert celebrity name>’

8. @bhalomanush: A member of the sporadic diaspora of the Bengalis. He is a bio scientist by day and a superhero by night, saving the interwebs from the attack of Steve Jobs and Bill Gates with his office humour and refreshing take on NRI as well as native Bengalis. Sample a tweet from him: The office sign says <insert Dilbert joke in reverse>

9. @i_r_squared: The leader of the Sambhar Shosannas in the US academic world who will make sure the Amits there will not have huge orgies with their butter chickens so easily. A tweet from him is a bit tough to decipher thought, hence ‘<insert joke which I am trying to figure out since the last 10 days>

10. @cgawker: Had it not been fro him, I would have never known what (or watt) a ‘bulb’ is. Again, he is a master of cryptic tweets, like ‘<insert joke which I may figure out before I die>

11. @krishashok: Master of binary and non-binary satire, an example of his Twitter updates: ‘Here I am <insert witty jetlagged comment> checking out the work <insert an entity to bash>’

12. @abhishekmadan: Another wordplay genius who can write his own thesis, with tweets like ‘They are a bunch of <insert splendid wordplay>’

13. @Unnamedentity: He is determined to spell English as Hsilgne or so I think. Hence, a tweet from him: ‘Funda! <insert his own Yodaspeak/Esperanto>’

14. @WoMod: A chirpy and bubbly woman who never fails to enjoy every moment of life. Sample a tweet from her: ‘<insert fun philosophy> <insert emoticon>’

15. @DevilOnBunk: One of my Twitter gangmates from whom even a slap will feel good, well yeah. When he is missing on the timeline, the world of the 140 looks so weird. A typical tweet from him: ‘Abeyaar/Bhug <insert another cuss word>

16. @hautesaiff: An ace photographer and a very ‘haute’ person indeed. A tweet from him: ‘Yeh kya ho raha hai? LOL’

17. @Desdemona14: Madam D, who does not seem to get a shut eye unless a fail whale strikes Twitter. Also a good friend online. She loves to say: Kya hai? Ha ha ha #drama’

18. @ImpsMom: Another one of my earliest Twitter friends and the mother of a lovely Imp. As soon as you read ‘Hiya how’s you?’ be sure its her tweet.

19. @ikaveri: Nothing less than the Superwoman of Twitter, who loves to tweet like: ‘*fooooooooooooop* <insert Twitpic in next tweet> *pooooooooooof*’

20. @Jhunjhunwala: The richest man in the universe indeed, who never fails to say ’3…2…1 out’

21. @bitchwanti: Queen Yoda, who never misses a moment to tickle your irritation nerve with tweets like ‘Anger shall ensue, BURN!’

22. @oneblackcoffee:Cellphone cannot be cellphones unless she tells you so. also, it would be not odd to see a tweet from her like: ‘Clearly ,insert rant about weaher/work> Meh ‘

23. @ScarletOhHara: I never knew Nemi existed until I met her on Twitter, since she is blessed with the power of baking a cake ina washing machine. also, you will be certain it is her tweet when it reads like: ‘Did you see what happened in the <insert crappy TV show name>?’

24. @raggedtag: Arundhati Roy, beware of her as she would ove to say: ‘What about India? <insert link to article in high-profile journal>’

25. @dharmeshG: He has three reservoirs on his body to store the following: beer, beer and beer, apart from movies and Tv shows. Make no mistake that it his tweet when it reads: Epic <insert YouTube link> must watch trailer’

26. @69fubar: Geniuses are in varied forms, like this man – who can actually (yes) solve a Rubik;s Cube blindfolded. Also, he would typically say: “I aintno shit tweet I aint no retweet.’

27. @punkster101: A natural charmer this young man, with his lovable tweets like: ‘<insert tremendous philosophy> Gah’

28. @SiddharthPatel:A true social media junky, connects with Twittterati at ease. So, his tweet would be: ’36 greatest tharkis of the world <insert Twitter celen handle> RT’

29. @PsychoMaan: The wonderful young photographer that he is, at his age I did not even know what an SLr camera was. his tweet: ‘Crooked Smile <insert link to photo> <insert 101 handle>

30. @OyeMaria: The self-proclaimed male basher who never fails to entertain as well. So a typical tweet from her <insert male bashing joke> !!!’

31. @mehrzee: The queen of perky tweets, loves to post ‘Goti <insert perky tweet>’

32. @Decloned_Taz: God decided to give her me a telepathic connect of headaches, so I would not blame the poor thing when she says: I will @TheHumerus for giving me a headache’

33. @preetidhingra: The self-confessed hot Punjabi who loves her music and vodka, and keeps on asking: ‘What would you sing for your friend’s birthday? suggestions welcome’

34. @ConfuseusSay: Loves his music also, as well as hi hookahs also: ‘Hookah has been had. Bliss.’

35. @TorqueAddict: Who says a can of beer does not have its own algorithm? Ask Him, and he would tell you: ‘Drunk I am, not’

36. @SparklingGuy: This entrepreneur from Sadi Dilli creates magic on his website and then says: :We have created an infographic. RT and share link please. Thanks’

37. @ruhiseth: A fellow citizen of the City of Joy, she makes us smile with her dotted line tweets: ‘……DP changed….’

38. @blackrosegal: Another adorable fellow citizen of the City of Joy, makes me smile with her randomness: ‘I’m playing Hitman. aaaaa’

39. @abhijitdg: Ace journalist and someone who has been kicking the bottle and the stick since the British left India, his straight face sense of humour never fails to amaze me: ‘I’m bored. Entertain me, please’

40. @Ipsita_Shome: Ban-ki Moon who? Make this lady the in-charge at UN I say. No wonder you would find her saying: ‘And oh before I retire with my book <insert link to bomb blast in Uzbekistan> shalom’

41. @Nishad_M: My Marathi teacher and a genuine human being in every sense of the term. Loves to say: ‘Hello friends, getting ready for work’

42. @isanzc: A master of wordplay in the Bengali language: ‘<insert Bengali wordplay> LOL!!’

43. @ShwetaKapur: A bright young journalist who brings random smiles with her <insert tremendously random statement> tweets

I could go on and on, but I know that while reading this, you have kept your work (even if its tying the left shoelace) for too long. And besides, this list has 43 names. Think about it (ok?)

If you think this was an indirect to pimp certain Twitter handles, my third purpose would have been served (the other two I’m still trying to figure out of course).

(PS: Names are not in any order of preference)